Lost (and Found) In Austin

Lots of weird raunchy angry stuff... not much else I can say.
updated January 24th... YES... UPDATED!



I am readying myself for battle.
I slide on my stockings like armour
Black garters gauntlets underneath
short silk skirt
My sex both threat and promise.
I pull you out to dance,
Teasing and laughing my way into your
3 feet of personal space
slipping past your defenses.
You pretend not to notice
my fingers tangled in your hair.
I feel
your hidden shivers
with satisfaction
as we swing to the beat,
bodies tight together.
I may seem soft and pliant against you on the dance floor
but given the proper rotation
My hips could shatter nations.
All my weapons are brought to bear
against you,
bent on the infiltration of your stone-faced faade
breaking down that nonchalant wall.
I won't allow you the luxury of pretense.
Look at me.
I'm in.


Old-fashioned squeaky bedsprings
No space age fibre  air-cushion  foam pads beneath us, just
Bedsprings kinking and complaining
under our combined weight
Slow creaky cronks cranking up to
high-pitched squeals
as our fucking gets faster
In the stifling summer heat
on the mattress
on the boxspring
on the floor.
The air feels COOL now flying by
our bodies making waves
of heat, rippling the air, making waves
of water, sweat pouring down our bodies
pooling in the small of my back
the crook of your elbow
blinding us both
with soggy seaweed twists of hair
and salt
We're flying now
Beads of sweat fly 
pillows and sheets pushed
crushed to the floor
books knocked aside as your
legs fly akimbo and I
It feels like the floor
the room  the building  the WORLD
is sweating and rocking and
You're screaming now, like a cat
The blood's pounding in my ears
My breath's pounding
into you, the mattress is pounding the floor
like demons  now
pounding on the doors of heaven   now
Screams become shouts become grunts   now
rhythmic and hoarse  now now
fist tangled in my hair
And I come apart
screaming myself blind   fingers in your thighs
Nothing but white noise in my ears and eyes
Jerking like a fish 
on your hook
And we smash apart 
like atoms split by a hammer blow
Gasping for air
too drained and amazed
to roll ourselves off the mattress,
which is now
one big wet spot.


raw silk and razorblade
your smile
such a smooth sexy slice
so deep and so fine, I barely feel it
until the blood starts to well
and pool at my feet
cut too deep
too late
to save myself from you.


The last breakup was so brutal
So visceral
My heart was torn
from my ribcage
Pounded flat, salted
And eaten raw on toast
One morning over breakfast.
Gazing into *your* eyes, darling
I look forward to the deft and subtle mindfuck
that is sure to come
when *you* tire of me.


We had gotten so close
I couldn't see you anymore
Nose to nose
the boundaries of your face
blurred into the surrounding air.
Eye to eye
our imperfections magnified
our larger beauties lost
I lost myself in you.
Gave myself over to you completely
Our hearts were one
Our bodies indivisible
One thought echoed in my mind, with the beat of your heart
  "This is real.   This is real.   This, is real."
This, upon deeper reflection,
was a mistake.
this was a large glaring error, my dear
Because in the quicksand land of love
NOTHING is real.
You know, they say sex is 90% mental
I think love must be
double that,
at least.
My math's a little rusty.
And please forgive me if I wax angry for a moment,
but you FUCKED me.
asked more and more of me as you gave
less and less
cared less and less
took vital bites out of my heart to feed some twisted hunger
and tossed it back half-eaten
So I've learned to keep my distance
Stay back where I can see you
Admire your profile
the head-to-toe view
Keep your hands where I can see them at all times
I don't want that
instant u-haul codependent merging thing
I don't want to lose my head
take an extra heart to protect before my own
extra hands, to hold me back
extra feet, to trip me up
I don't want that now
I just want to *borrow* your sweet bod for a bit
(oh, and your mind, too)
Maybe make a little music
have a little fun.
Just a sweet simple
see you around
no strings attached
casual dating situation.
Put that suitcase down and kiss me.


This is how to cure a broken heart.
Take one broken weepy bloody heart
raggedy and torn
Rub salt into the cuts and bruises
Set it aside
Now, mix all your anger together
Let it rise
Fold in the lies and broken promises
Toss in the cold shoulders
The bland kisses
The mercy fucks
Sift all of the thoughtless hurtful words into it slowly over an open flame
Inconsideration to incineration
Every selfish greedy action
piling higher, burning hotter
Now take this hot steaming pile of wrongs slights and slanders
(Add a little liquor)
and drop the broken heart right into the middle of it.
Use it to cauterize that open wound.
Don't let the smoke get in your eyes... but watch
all those useless bloody feelings
guilt remorse sadness love despair
flash to ash.
Now no friendly overtures can re-open that wound...
breach that scabby wall.
Careless remarks now rasp harmlessly over the protective
scar tissue.
Each embrace reminds you.
Every casual brush scrapes right over the dead skin of dead love

you come to me from your latest pain
You ask me how to fix a broken heart.
All I can tell you
is what I did
when you broke mine.


Listen up.
All you sweet lovely girls
with your dead pebble eyes
I'm over all your vague promises and bald-faced lies
A part of me dies
each time you saunter by
Just a small, insignificant part
Just my fucking heart
You walk and you laugh
Crushing my heart in your
Perfect  White  Teeth
chewing its chambers like
stale candy corn on Halloween
sticky, sweet... gone.
Tossing glances that you'll never back up
Collecting numbers you'll never call and
Names you don't intend to remember.
My name's Andy
We met at the club the party the potluck
You caught my eye, you caught my interest
You caught me.
Hooked me.
Cooked me over a slow burn of
waiting by the phone
waiting at the bar
until I was DONE.
Chewed up my hopes and humiliations
Like a Perfect  Pink  Pig at an open trough
Pulled my bones from your
Perfect  White  Teeth
And belched out the rest in a 
brief forgotten bout of indigestion.
Sorry to disappoint you now but
I won't be handing you 
any more slices of my heart
anytime soon.
Yes, I hear the growling in your belly.
I know the hunger in your eyes
Doesn't see me
You see meat.
Cooling on a rack for your gluttonous gaze.

But this rack's not for sale.


I remember when all of this was sky
now skyscrapers wallpaper my living desktop
Puzzled birds
peeled off windows daily
gaily flapping along all wrong
until reality SMACKS them in the face
It's a disgrace now, this dis-
graceful place of right angles
love triangles of concrete glass & steel
making it hard
to see the *real* in this reality
Cut off from the natural rhythms of
day and night, soft and hard, real and fantasy
I can see
the sky
in my mind, I remember sky grass trees
But now,
walking down the street
urban tumbleweeds of newspaper
rolling past our feet
collecting broken glass and cigarette butts
on their way to
out of sight, out of mind
We're out of time, trying to find
some kind of peace of mind
Bits and pieces, fragments of recollection
I remember when
all of these   were trees
grass here, not glass
clover, no cloverleaf highways and byways
I do
I remember when
all of this will be trees again.


lying in an unfinished house
next to a man twice my size
sawdust sticking to my naked shoulders, I think
how the fuck did I end up here
lying on rough concrete trying to play it cool
trapped in the dark
clouded night sky seeping through the beams over head
heavy breath on my neck
large hand trapping my wrist
nothing but a broken flashlight and some discarded boards
to draw my attention away from the situation at hand
stupid girl
how did I get here?  to this place this hole
cowardice keeping me here
know-it-all teenage self
unwilling to cope with this reality
this house
this floor
this man
his plans already in motion
my innocence a key part
in this mock seduction
he wants to fuck me, break me
wants to take me
here on cold concrete and sawdust
sticking to my shoulders, in my hair, bunched into my shirt
bile rising in my throat
I don't know
from fear, or from his tongue
choking and hard
pushing its way past my bared teeth
I lay here
lie here, disguising my rising panic
afraid to breathe
afraid to pull in air 
for fear of drawing in acknowledgement
that this is where I've ended up
too tired and sick to fight what I've brought on myself
to scared to challenge this giant
for fear that his grip will tighten
and all pretense will be lost
and I'm lost

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I'm leaving you.
I can't be here.
I find myself hating you just to survive you.
cutting the ropes that tie my life to your slaps and anger
trying to leech out the poison you hide in every word, every caress...
I don't want to hate you.
Oh, part of me does
but not like this.
Not this helpless seething rage
gnawing out the pulp of my stupid heart
that still beats for you.
I find myself loving you just to survive you.
cringing and helpless
only wishing to make it stop
make you stop
make you love me
trying to breathe life back into the stinking remains of your heart
that you buried a long time ago
after it died a slow death under my weight.
So now I'm leaving you
to survive you
to revive myself from the self-imposed coma of waiting-
waiting for you to change, to justify years and tears wasted
I'm waking up
I'm leaving you


I stand before you
apparently chastened, but choking back rage
Love, yes love, staying my tongue
Holding back all of those angry counter-accusations
Trying to keep myself from hurting you anymore
Any more than I have to
To free myself
I could let slip those bitchy words
All the hurt and guilt
But I try to be kind
I'll be the villan for you
I'll bend my back for your blows and venom
I won't raise a word in defense
I won't raise a hand to stay your angry arm
because maybe I deserve it
Maybe I do have a hard heart
But my heart is my own, and I thank the gods I
never gave it to someone
who is so ready to wield the last in retaliation
You call me selfish
Like its a mortal sin to consider myself at all
You say I never loved you
When I've been your mother/lover/whore
bending myself into pleasing shapes
And cringing from your anger when I prove
not flexible enough
I took your teasing with a smile
And apologized when your cruel jokes
hurt me too deep to conceal
I know
I'm too sensitive
I know
I never tried hard enough
I know
I know I wasn't worth this pain
It wasn't worth it
So make your last attack
Take your final exit
I'll let you have it
I'll be the one who did *you* wrong
And you'll never know the pain you caused me
I won't stoop to your level.


I want to feel you on my...
On me
In me
reach your long fingers up to scratch my bones
pluck the heart from my chest
roll it between your knuckles
Taste my depths with your fingertips
Let the flames of your flesh lick my innermost parts
Even now, I can feel your heat searing my softness
I gasp at the contrast
needing your fire to crack through the ice surrounding me
Melt me
Until I am wet and running between your hands
I want to feel you
On me
In me
Until I can no longer feel myself
Until the only places I exist are where you touch me
Define my body
Trace my outlines with your tongue
And breathe me into being


retrospective introspection leads me to the
hidden ramifications of your belaboured actions
you wanted to fuck me
headlight hindsight reveals
an astonishing lack of insight that night
fuck me?
blindness, I find, fills the mind with unkind signs of
cheery apathy, unable to see
desire right in front of me


Are you tired?
Let me
rub your tired muscles
with my eyes
too shy to offer the laying of my hands
on flesh
that has received my hungry gaze countless times
let my regard run down like water
wet and elemental
and common
falling faster as you walk away