THE DANCE I am readying myself for battle. I slide on my stockings like armour Black garters gauntlets underneath short silk skirt My sex both threat and promise. I pull you out to dance, Teasing and laughing my way into your 3 feet of personal space slipping past your defenses. You pretend not to notice my fingers tangled in your hair. I feel your hidden shivers with satisfaction as we swing to the beat, bodies tight together. I may seem soft and pliant against you on the dance floor but given the proper rotation My hips could shatter nations. All my weapons are brought to bear against you, bent on the infiltration of your stone-faced faade breaking down that nonchalant wall. I won't allow you the luxury of pretense. Look at me. I'm in. NOW Bedsprings Old-fashioned squeaky bedsprings No space age fibre air-cushion foam pads beneath us, just Rusty Old Bedsprings kinking and complaining under our combined weight Slow creaky cronks cranking up to high-pitched squeals as our fucking gets faster In the stifling summer heat on the mattress on the boxspring on the floor. The air feels COOL now flying by our bodies making waves of heat, rippling the air, making waves of water, sweat pouring down our bodies pooling in the small of my back the crook of your elbow blinding us both with soggy seaweed twists of hair and salt We're flying now Beads of sweat fly pillows and sheets pushed crushed to the floor books knocked aside as your legs fly akimbo and I pounce It feels like the floor the room the building the WORLD is sweating and rocking and screaming You're screaming now, like a cat The blood's pounding in my ears My breath's pounding into you, the mattress is pounding the floor like demons now pounding on the doors of heaven now Screams become shouts become grunts now rhythmic and hoarse now now Now fist tangled in my hair NOW And I come apart screaming myself blind fingers in your thighs Nothing but white noise in my ears and eyes Jerking like a fish on your hook And we smash apart like atoms split by a hammer blow Gasping for air too drained and amazed to roll ourselves off the mattress, which is now one big wet spot. SO FINE raw silk and razorblade your smile such a smooth sexy slice so deep and so fine, I barely feel it until the blood starts to well and pool at my feet cut too deep too late to save myself from you. THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT The last breakup was so brutal So visceral My heart was torn double-fisted from my ribcage Pounded flat, salted And eaten raw on toast One morning over breakfast. Gazing into *your* eyes, darling I look forward to the deft and subtle mindfuck that is sure to come when *you* tire of me. RELATIONSHIP We had gotten so close I couldn't see you anymore Nose to nose the boundaries of your face blurred into the surrounding air. Eye to eye our imperfections magnified our larger beauties lost I lost myself in you. Gave myself over to you completely Our hearts were one Our bodies indivisible One thought echoed in my mind, with the beat of your heart "This is real. This is real. This, is real." This, upon deeper reflection, was a mistake. this was a large glaring error, my dear Because in the quicksand land of love NOTHING is real. You know, they say sex is 90% mental I think love must be double that, at least. My math's a little rusty. And please forgive me if I wax angry for a moment, but you FUCKED me. asked more and more of me as you gave less and less cared less and less took vital bites out of my heart to feed some twisted hunger and tossed it back half-eaten half-rotten. So I've learned to keep my distance You! Stay back where I can see you Admire your profile the head-to-toe view Keep your hands where I can see them at all times I don't want that instant u-haul codependent merging thing I don't want to lose my head take an extra heart to protect before my own extra hands, to hold me back extra feet, to trip me up I don't want that now I just want to *borrow* your sweet bod for a bit (oh, and your mind, too) Maybe make a little music have a little fun. Just a sweet simple drama-free see you around no strings attached casual dating situation. Put that suitcase down and kiss me. YOU ASKED This is how to cure a broken heart. Take one broken weepy bloody heart raggedy and torn Rub salt into the cuts and bruises Set it aside Now, mix all your anger together Let it rise Fold in the lies and broken promises Toss in the cold shoulders The bland kisses The mercy fucks Sift all of the thoughtless hurtful words into it slowly over an open flame Inconsideration to incineration Every selfish greedy action piling higher, burning hotter Now take this hot steaming pile of wrongs slights and slanders (Add a little liquor) and drop the broken heart right into the middle of it. Use it to cauterize that open wound. Don't let the smoke get in your eyes... but watch all those useless bloody feelings guilt remorse sadness love despair flash to ash. Done. Now no friendly overtures can re-open that wound... breach that scabby wall. Careless remarks now rasp harmlessly over the protective scar tissue. Each embrace reminds you. Every casual brush scrapes right over the dead skin of dead love Crying you come to me from your latest pain You ask me how to fix a broken heart. All I can tell you is what I did when you broke mine. MEAT MARKET Listen up. All you sweet lovely girls with your dead pebble eyes I'm over all your vague promises and bald-faced lies A part of me dies each time you saunter by Just a small, insignificant part Just my fucking heart You walk and you laugh Crushing my heart in your Perfect White Teeth chewing its chambers like stale candy corn on Halloween sticky, sweet... gone. Tossing glances that you'll never back up Collecting numbers you'll never call and Names you don't intend to remember. My name's Andy Not ANGIE, not ANNIE Andy. We met at the club the party the potluck remember? You caught my eye, you caught my interest You caught me. Hooked me. Cooked me over a slow burn of waiting by the phone waiting at the bar until I was DONE. Chewed up my hopes and humiliations Greedily Like a Perfect Pink Pig at an open trough Pulled my bones from your Perfect White Teeth And belched out the rest in a brief forgotten bout of indigestion. Well, Sorry to disappoint you now but I won't be handing you any more slices of my heart anytime soon. Yes, I hear the growling in your belly. I know the hunger in your eyes Doesn't see me You see meat. Cooling on a rack for your gluttonous gaze. But this rack's not for sale. REMEMBER I remember when all of this was sky now skyscrapers wallpaper my living desktop Puzzled birds peeled off windows daily gaily flapping along all wrong until reality SMACKS them in the face It's a disgrace now, this dis- graceful place of right angles love triangles of concrete glass & steel making it hard to see the *real* in this reality Cut off from the natural rhythms of day and night, soft and hard, real and fantasy I can see the sky in my mind, I remember sky grass trees But now, walking down the street urban tumbleweeds of newspaper rolling past our feet collecting broken glass and cigarette butts on their way to out of sight, out of mind We're out of time, trying to find some kind of peace of mind Bits and pieces, fragments of recollection I remember when all of these were trees grass here, not glass clover, no cloverleaf highways and byways I do I remember when all of this will be trees again. UNFINISHED lying in an unfinished house next to a man twice my size sawdust sticking to my naked shoulders, I think how the fuck did I end up here lying on rough concrete trying to play it cool cold trapped in the dark clouded night sky seeping through the beams over head heavy breath on my neck large hand trapping my wrist nothing but a broken flashlight and some discarded boards to draw my attention away from the situation at hand stupid girl how did I get here? to this place this hole cowardice keeping me here know-it-all teenage self unwilling to cope with this reality this house this floor this man his plans already in motion my innocence a key part in this mock seduction he wants to fuck me, break me wants to take me somewhere here on cold concrete and sawdust sticking to my shoulders, in my hair, bunched into my shirt bile rising in my throat I don't know from fear, or from his tongue choking and hard pushing its way past my bared teeth I lay here lie here, disguising my rising panic afraid to breathe afraid to pull in air for fear of drawing in acknowledgement that this is where I've ended up too tired and sick to fight what I've brought on myself to scared to challenge this giant for fear that his grip will tighten and all pretense will be lost and I'm lost unfinished broken * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * LEAVING I'm leaving you. I can't be here. I find myself hating you just to survive you. cutting the ropes that tie my life to your slaps and anger trying to leech out the poison you hide in every word, every caress... I don't want to hate you. Oh, part of me does but not like this. Not this helpless seething rage gnawing out the pulp of my stupid heart that still beats for you. I find myself loving you just to survive you. cringing and helpless only wishing to make it stop make you stop make you love me trying to breathe life back into the stinking remains of your heart that you buried a long time ago after it died a slow death under my weight. So now I'm leaving you to survive you to revive myself from the self-imposed coma of waiting- waiting for you to change, to justify years and tears wasted I'm waking up I'm leaving you THE BREAK-UP POEM I stand before you apparently chastened, but choking back rage Love, yes love, staying my tongue Holding back all of those angry counter-accusations Trying to keep myself from hurting you anymore Any more than I have to To free myself I could let slip those bitchy words All the hurt and guilt But I try to be kind I'll be the villan for you I'll bend my back for your blows and venom I won't raise a word in defense I won't raise a hand to stay your angry arm because maybe I deserve it Maybe I do have a hard heart But my heart is my own, and I thank the gods I never gave it to someone who is so ready to wield the last in retaliation You call me selfish Like its a mortal sin to consider myself at all You say I never loved you When I've been your mother/lover/whore bending myself into pleasing shapes And cringing from your anger when I prove not flexible enough I took your teasing with a smile And apologized when your cruel jokes hurt me too deep to conceal I know I'm too sensitive I know I never tried hard enough I know I know I wasn't worth this pain It wasn't worth it So make your last attack Take your final exit I'll let you have it I'll be the one who did *you* wrong And you'll never know the pain you caused me I won't stoop to your level. DEEPER I want to feel you on my... On me In me reach your long fingers up to scratch my bones pluck the heart from my chest roll it between your knuckles Taste my depths with your fingertips Let the flames of your flesh lick my innermost parts Even now, I can feel your heat searing my softness I gasp at the contrast needing your fire to crack through the ice surrounding me Melt me Until I am wet and running between your hands I want to feel you On me In me Until I can no longer feel myself Until the only places I exist are where you touch me Define my body Trace my outlines with your tongue And breathe me into being ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW retrospective introspection leads me to the hidden ramifications of your belaboured actions you wanted to fuck me headlight hindsight reveals an astonishing lack of insight that night fuck me? what? blindness, I find, fills the mind with unkind signs of cheery apathy, unable to see desire right in front of me TIMID Are you tired? Let me rub your tired muscles with my eyes too shy to offer the laying of my hands on flesh that has received my hungry gaze countless times let my regard run down like water wet and elemental and common falling faster as you walk away